Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
