don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
