Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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