I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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