I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
