he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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