sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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