We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just cropdusted the office
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
