she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
