Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
