I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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