I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
