If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The beer is more important than you right now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
