You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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