I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
