there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize