You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
