Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
