just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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