so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
