there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
