Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize