Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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