you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Is it penis luge time yet?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
