but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
