How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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