thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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