you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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