dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
