connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
