I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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