Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
