Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
