Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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