Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
