the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
