have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
