I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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