Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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