So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
