the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
