Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
