when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
