plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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