also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't deserve a penis
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's shark week go big or go home
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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