I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
