I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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