I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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