not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
last night I used snow as a chaser
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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