It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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