some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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