Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I cut my penus on the lid.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
