watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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