i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
