I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
