Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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