i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
