His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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