He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
