Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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