He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize