you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
