...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
