There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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