Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
