you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
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